If one dies for anything, it is for love. Be it the love for some lofty ideologies, or the love for the family, or the love for the beloved, the decision to embrace the eternal winter of death is forged, as Camus would put it, not in the furnace of one’s objective, calculating mind but instead in the mythical corridors of one’s heart. It is the heart that leaps blindly under the sway of Cupid’s arrow and succumbs to the mayhem of one’s soul. In fact, it was this same whirling longing that drove Werther to madness, and then to death. This same flame engulfed Romeo too.
What holds power to undermine one’s life must also then be a force as powerful as life itself. As a popular saying goes, “If the King bows to you, either you must be more supreme than him or at least as supreme as him.” This makes love, and its empirical nuisances, a matter of utmost importance. One who understands it, naturally masters it as the philosophers like to maintain, “To begin to understand something is to begin to hold power over it.” However, to thoroughly paint a comprehensible, concrete picture of something as complex as love it is essential, both practically and philosophically, to understand first what is not love and this report, focused as it is on the romantic nature of love as one might already have sensed by now, seeks to untangle this mystery.
Case-I
Twenty-one-year-old Manika from Bakrang can be seen nurturing her fragile one-month-old son in a barely-furnished shanty. Manika, who had been married to 23-year-old Milan Shrestha from Dhading, now lives alone, since her husband abandoned her and went with another woman.
Manika’s marriage had been, at least what had seemed to her then, based on love. “Having never received anyone’s love in my life I easily fell for his words,” she said, holding back her tears. “His sweet words, his grand promises which all seem so false today. How foolish I was then!”
She met Milan while working at a factory in Chitwan. In 2018 at the age of 14 she had followed a woman she knew from her village to Chitwan. The same woman had helped her secure a job at the Coca-Cola factory. “I got close to Milan through our talk,” Manika said. “One day he said he would commit suicide if I didn’t marry him. I was younger, poor and unloved at home since I had lost my mother at a very young age. I thought maybe he loved me.”
While Manika was pregnant Milan went to Jhapa for work. Recalling the beginning of her dark days, she added, “After he went to Jhapa, some women from the village started telling me he was posting pictures of another girl on facebook.” After this incident, as Manika told Republica, Milan visited her once and then never returned.
As of now Milan has married another woman and is living with her while Manika lives alone in that dingy shanty, nurturing her baby. Having grown in the sea of sorrow as a child, she now feels she is sinking in the even deeper ocean. “My life feels like a fish that leapt out of a clay pot only to land in a ditch,” Manika lamented, wiping tears off her eyes.
Love or Infatuation?
Understanding love takes time and patience. Often, especially early on in one’s life, what one takes for love might easily be a mere hormonal burst set into motion through infatuation. Between these two feelings infatuation can be distinguished through its intense, unstable and obsessive nature. “Infatutaion is the emotional high that comes with the fantasy of perfection,” writes Psychologist Carl Pickhardt. “Love is the emotional depth that grows from knowing someone realistically and accepting them.”
Unlike love, which demands realistic acceptance, infatuation can sweep one’s feet off into the precipice of disaster. Since infatuation is grounded on the foundations of unrealistic idealization, within a few months of relationship the initial butterflies of euphoric thrill begin to dissolve into the emptiness of realistic responsibilities. This is what happened to Milan who was initially willing to kill himself for Manika. While wallowing in the fantastical, lust-driven domain of his imagination, all he could sense was his desire for her. However, after the marriage, as reality dawned on him, shameless and animalistic as he must be, he wobbled out of his responsibility.
Meanwhile Manika, whose tender heart had melted, is left with a wound that would probably never heal in this life. Her background, deprived as she was from love and warmth of the family, had left her vulnerable to the shallow words of people. Her vulnerability, though initially guarded through her natural feminine instinct, was let off when Milan threatened her he would commit suicide if she didn’t accept his marriage proposal. Naturally her heart melted to see that someone was really willing to die for her. After all, she was young, lacked experience and had no family members to guide her.
In a short span, Manika got carried away by his words. Unfortunately, however, the world does not run on words and reality, no matter what, has its final, decisive verdict. While love has positive energy infatuation, whose chameleon-like traits make one mistake it for love, is often driven by a surge of hormones. In the countries like Nepal mostly young girls, often influenced by Indian movies where reality is distorted to such an extent that they solely aim to deliver euphoric gratification through dopamine spikes, are even inclined towards prospective partners who behave like a maniac and attempts suicides, or does something heroic.
Anyways, romantic movies are for two hours but life is for decades and naturally rules that might apply to cinema do not apply to life. So it is essential to distinguish if the person who claims to be in love really loves or if he is merely driven by the forces of infatuation. One of the main traits of the infatuated person is that they tend to be impulsive, have irrational tendencies, and make unrealistic promises which rarely resonate with their actions. “Infatutaion can cause mood swings, unhealthy obsession, and irrational behaviour,” writes Dr. Helen Fisher. “Love is more stable and secure.”
Case-II
Save the Children faked data to receive Rs. 230 million from th...
After her university 23-year-old Rasmi Rai (name changed) can be seen in a book store everyday in Jamal. She works there. Her family is poor, so to support her life and education in Kathmandu she comes to the store immediately after her master’s classes and works six hours daily, even on weekends. “I’m learning the ways of the world,” she said. “The world is different from what we imagine. People are selfish.”
“I don’t know,” she responded when asked about love. After a short pause she added, “I do believe in love. But in my experience, fulfilling love is hard to find in this selfish, money-minded world.” In 2021 she had met a guy from her village who also studied in the same college as her. Initially she was not at all interested in him. “My parents had sent me to study,” she said. “I am an academic person. I wanted to be a lawyer because that is what my parents wanted and also that is what I wanted. But everything was ruined. Now I’m doing developmental studies. I spoiled my undergraduate.” Rasmi wiped tears off her eyes with the back of her hand. “I was a fool to be with a guy who was not at all interested in serious things. Now I know he was not smart.”
Over the course of a few months while in college, as the guy whose name she did not mention kept on trying to win her heart, Rasmi began to feel he was the one for her. “I felt he loved me,” she said with remorse. “His persistent efforts had drawn me to him. We would chat for hours, make calls and talk. Now I know how I was destroying myself with him.”
It took Rasmi more than two years to realize he was not the person for her. “He would manipulate me, make me feel guilty for the wrongs I didn’t even do,” Rasmi lamented. “I felt even then that something was off, but I felt afraid to be alone. When I look back now I feel I was such a coward.” Though she had realized she needed to be away from him it took her a long time to tear herself out of that emotional labyrinth. “I was afraid, afraid to be alone. For hours, sometimes all day long I would wait for his message on facebook, completely forgetting my dreams.”
When she finally conveyed her intention that she wanted to break up with him, the guy blamed her for wasting his time. “He would accuse me of doing him bad,” she said. “I don’t think I did anything wrong to him. Instead I had helped him a lot.”
Now Rasmi diligently concentrates on her life and, as far as possible, avoids shallow, empty people. “I want depth in my life,” she said with an optimistic smile. “I love people with dreams, with real passions.”
Love or Attachment?
According to experts, attachment is the emotional glue that introduces false sense of safety with certain people, but immediately induces fear and anxiety when that person pulls away. On the other hand, love introduces an enduring sense of peace and growth in one’s soul.
Attachment, especially the toxic ones, is a modern problem. In a world caught in the whirlwind of social media it is easy to get attached to certain people, without even knowing that person’s true self. The false image one projects through social media posts can be enticing, as demonstrated by the commercial success of certain surficial movies, as it promises to deliver one from the morose day-to-day existence. Attachment begins in this way, one finds in it the distant rainbow of romantic catharsis.
There are two deciding elements that contribute to making one attached to someone: distance from one’s family and addiction to social media. In the case of Rasmi, she was living away from her family. Though she was initially resilient to the advances of the guy, her natural need to have someone who wanted her broke the shield which was guarding. Everyday when she received messages, her joy-hormones would spike, creating in her a sense of pleasure whenever she found her phone beep with his message. When the expected message did not come she felt just like a drug addict would feel when forced away from his dose of drug. Just as an addict does not grow but instead loses himself, likewise an attached person loses oneself and feels exhausted all the time.
Attachment to someone, who does not value one’s personality and is merely there because he has no productive work going on in life, can, in long run, lead to the destruction of one’s self-esteem and confidence. It can even sweep one’s feet off the path of her dream as it did in Rasmi’s case.
One powerful way to avoid toxic attachment is to remain grounded in reality. Instead of worshiping the personality projected on social media, one should put an effort to understand the real person behind the mask. Second, one should avoid making close-connections with people who do not contribute to one's long-run progress and empowerment. Attachment can make one do things that one might hate later during mature years. After all, attachment is not love as Dr. Lisa Firestore maintains, “Love is selfless. Attachment is selfish.”
Case-III
Ravish Thakuri (name changed), who is from Jajarkot, works for the accounts department of an educational institution in Kathmandu. In his college years he was an ideal student. Gifted in sports he was the topper in his class. In his final year he even became the head student of the college. At the time he met a girl, who was the head student of the girls. “She seemed so genuine to me,” he said with a forlorn look in his eyes. “She was smart and intelligent.”
Their initial friendship, which was deepened through their shared leadership interests, quickly turned into what he believed was love. “We would hang out a lot,” he told Republica. “She talked about her life in the city. She was from Kathmandu itself. She seemed so kind at the time. Now when I look back I feel bad that I overlooked all those signs which clearly showed her true nature.” What Ravish had thought about her, however, was based on what she showed to him, which he was to discover, to his disastrous illumination, was all false. “Later I found,” he said lamentfully, “she was dating several other guys as well at the same time. I should have known this before, but I completely ignored it.”
Ravish had sought a solid bond with the girl. She was, after all, different from other girls, at least so it had seemed to him. When he found this out and informed her that she should not have played with his heart she merely shrugged him off and went away. However, for Ravish the wound went deep. “It took me several months to come out of the dark days that took over me,” Ravish said. “I am not the type who can easily go on with life when betrayed.”
Anyways, Ravish now looks at life with a clear and experienced perspective. Even though this experience has cut a scar in him, he does not let surficial ideas grip him. He still believes in love. He said, “I am happy about life. I know a real person can change my life. I am not afraid to love if someone authentic, supportive and worth the effort comes into life.”
On Fake Love
In a world driven by selfish capitalism, true emotions often lead to burning disappointment. Love, as experts and experienced folks admit, is more difficult in the modern era than ever. The Internet has opened access to unparalleled domains and people are often seeking escape in it, escape, of course, from reality itself. “We do not content ourselves with the life we have in ourselves and in our being; we want to live an imaginary life,” writes Pascal, the great French philosopher and mathematician.
The Internet has offered force to this desire for imaginary life. As in the case of Ravish, the girl, who was insecure and afraid to face reality, simply kept several relationships going simultaneously because at least in her mind, she felt secured by it. While this false security shielded her from the type of pain Ravish, who of course felt betrayed, suffered as the result of her fake love, she herself could not experience the glow of light Ravish must have felt while emerging from the swamp of this pain.
Fake love is destructive to both sides. While the one who has been true feels wounded, the other, who played by engaging with many relationships, never learns to appreciate genuine people. This creates emptiness and an incurable inability to engage in fulfilling love later in life. Besides, these individuals often tend to look for the love they ignored when it was right in their arms. For this reason, they tend to be unhappy and remorseful later. They always seek that bond which they could not appreciate and, as a result, continue to be in multiple relationships even after marriage, leading to a sad, depressive and destructive future.
As Pascal would agree, it is better to face the abyss than to gallop away from it. “We run heedlessly into the abyss after putting something in front of us to stop us from seeing it,” he writes in his book Pensées. Life shows abyss to everyone, and only those who have lived truthfully have learnt to embrace it peacefully and live a fulfilling life. It is true, no matter what one does, one can never escape life and life, one must remember, has a way to teach its lesson through its Karmic consequences. That is to say, if you do wrong you will suffer wrong sooner or later.
Fake love, therefore, is dangerous for both. To avoid people who derive pleasure from fake projections of themselves, one should objectively examine their actions and behaviors. Such people are sweet with words, but their actions are quite in the opposite direction. After all, love is not about words, it's about consistency and deeds.
On Narcissistic Elements
Narcissistic people are expert manipulators, or at least they choose their victims as someone with whom they can unleash their manipulation smoothly. At first they treat you as special with their words, making you feel cared for but slowly start to take advantage of you. They are good at exploiting others for their advantage. In these three cases, the victims were indeed preyed on by narcissists. After Milan’s initial proposal was not accepted by Manika, his ego felt hurt. When he threatened to commit suicide, he was not all thinking of what Manika wants in her heart. Blinded as he was by the rejection, all he wanted was to get what he wanted, and when he got her, his ego, now feeling superior after the success, simply moved on to another prey, which is why he married another woman, abandoning Manika.
These people never think of the pain of other people. Things get terribly dangerous when one gets attached to such people. It can break storms into the peace of one’s life. Since these people do not feel for others, one can easily get addicted naturally to the dissatisfaction of life through them.
Narcissists can be difficult to detect once you are attached to them. In fact, even if you detect them in a later phase of the relationship, you deliberately tend to overlook those red flags due to the natural fear of losing the bond you falsely believe has been established with that person. But the reality is that there can exist no true bond with such people. For they, every once in a while, toss blame on you, making you doubt yourself and the bond you felt, only a moment ago, was so perfect now feels empty and so false. However, the very next morning you again wake up with emptiness in soul and cramps in body, missing that person, not because that person fulfills you but simply because you want validation, you want once again to see that the bond you had felt was real indeed. This vicious cycle continues until someone comes for help, or you completely lose yourself into it.
Narcissists' most revealing trait is that they only say flowery things but rarely do anything to make your life better. They make you feel weak and guilty, they even distort your way of looking at reality, in the process making you lose yourself. “Narcissists deflect the blame, play the victim or gaslight you to make you doubt your perceptions,” writes Dr. Craig Malkin in his book Rethinking Narcissism.
Case- IV
The year was 1952. Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the Columbian writer who was to become the superstar of world literature only a decade later, married Mercedes Barcha on March 21 of this year. They had known each other since childhood; Mercedes was only nine and Marquez 13 when they had first met.
Their love rings with the cymbals and violins of eternal music. In the life that is canonized by the people of the Spanish-speaking world, they stand as an epitome of what great love can accomplish. They both understood each other, celebrated each other’s perfections and imperfections. As an ambitious writer Marquez suffered numerous setbacks and in all his hardships Mercedes stood by her, just as he stood for her in all her hardships.
While working as a journalist in Columbia his position was uncertain due to the ongoing turmoil in the country. The political heat intervened so that he was no longer paid by the newspaper, due to conflicting writing. He had to leave the job. "Leaving my job was a difficult moment for me, as I had lost the money for the return ticket, and I had no choice but to stay and work. My life in Europe lasted another three years. Mercedes accepted this decision of mine, even though everyone told her that she must be crazy, since I should have found some other girl in Europe. In Paris I was completely free. But I felt that one day this life would end and I would return to it again. It was like feeling a path of destiny, that no matter what choices you made, you would get there one day,” recalled Marques later in life.
Mercedes was patient and understanding: this allowed their love to flourish even though they were far apart. Likewise, when Marquez was working on his novel ‘One Hundred years of Solitude’, Mercedes made sure that the financial problems of the family did not hamper the peace of his mind and undermine his work. They both made this masterpiece appear into the world, and their love, one of the finest ever known, was immortalized when Marquez gratefully dedicated his nobel prize to her, “To Mercedes, for whom I have lived.”
On True Love
Like building something sustainable, even eternal, true love requires time, patience, consistent effort and uncompromising honesty. Just as something as mesmerizing as our universe, bustling and throbbing with the songs of birds and humans, must have taken immeasurable effort to come into existence, love too demands soul-level effort. This effort, it is true, is worth it. After all once it is discovered and kindled to life, everything, even the sunless sky, or the starless nights, take on the splendour of dazzling beauty in one’s soul.
No doubt, people are skeptical about the very existence of true love. “There is no such thing called love,” said Sagar Chhetri, a man in his fifties who runs a store in Kalanki. “Even the strong feeling we have for our wives is but a tender care which develops after being with the person for a long time. It is only habitual care.” His concern, including that of many others, is justified because real love is rare, rare for the very reason that it requires time and effort to blossom completely. Since we humans are impatient by our nature, are in some ways addicted to instant gratification, we tend to interpret some other emotions as love and, when we get disappointed, which is inevitable, we begin to doubt its very existence.
But true love does exist. Marquez’s and Mercedes’ bond is a testament to this. What one can draw from their life is that love is not only about emotions, it is about life itself. When one is in love, one not only needs to seek pleasure but also one sees into the future, looks at life as it is and walks, hand in hand, through the fires and flowers with absolute faith. Love, as the voice of the universe asserts, is about making life beautiful.
While it is difficult to distinguish different emotions, love endures in the time of hardships. It is tested in times of struggle, especially when one is feeling lost. While attraction or infatuation, usually mistaken for love, flares to life when one has literally nothing serious about one’s future in mind, love, on the other hand, flutters its tranquil wings in one’s soul when one is yearning to grow conscious about the world. This is the reason during early years, when one has barely tasted the flames of life and is still thoughtlessly waddling through its sea, one falls into the illusive charm of the hormonal changes and, instead of making an effort to understand it, one jumps to embroider that feeling as love. What is not love, then, as time goes by, unleashes its dark face and brings disappointment, as the first three cases in this report demonstrates. “What we often consider love,” declares the narrator of the fall, “is merely a break to our impatient desire to escape the boredom of reality.” Love does not happen when we are bored, it blossoms, like that moon-kissed rare blue lotus, when one is struggling to make life happen and finds someone with whom that dream life, once unattainable, now suddenly starts to seem possible.
This grandiose feeling that makes unattainable as something attainable needs to be distinguished from the murky, paralyzing emotions that resemble it. Of course, there is no magic rule that can arm one with the apparatus to find real love. However, if one closely observes the changes in one’s self-esteem and personal growth, one can sense positive transformation unfolding in the soul. “You know you’ve found your love by this,” says Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher. “True love is not only about how you feel about that person, it is more about how that person makes you feel about yourself.”
Life exists because there is love. The universe yearns for it, so it has infused the wings of love into our souls. It is important, therefore, to remain shielded from pathological emotions which seem like love but, in the long run, leave one’s heart empty and scarred for life, and be receptive to the flutter of the wings of love. While, no doubt, prior experience does help, it is one’s responsibility to peer out at the world with the optimism and positivity of a new born child while at the same time remaining grounded to reality.
Love brings soothing joy to one’s entire being. Even through challenges one feels growth and empowerment fill up the soul. Unlike attachment, where one feels anxious and uncertain every moment, love brings certainty and peace, life takes on the bustling aura and dazzle of the forest ringing with the echo of the waterfalls and songs of the birds. This experience is fulfilling, for one is no longer wallowing in the illusion, for in love one has embraced the imperfections and is every moment conscious of their faith in one another. “True love is not about perfection,” says Dr. Sue Johnson. “It is about emotional connection - where you know someone will catch you when you fall.”
